The Words given by My Father Which Rescued Us as a First-Time Father

"I think I was just in survival mode for a year."

One-time reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

Yet the actual experience rapidly proved to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her main carer in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… every walk. The role of both parents," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he became exhausted. It was a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The direct phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You must get assistance. In what way can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and find a way back.

His experience is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now more comfortable talking about the strain on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a larger reluctance to talk amongst men, who often hold onto damaging perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."

"It's not a show of being weak to ask for help. I didn't do that soon enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - particularly in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to take a pause - going on a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he required a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has changed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says repressing feelings resulted in him make "bad actions" when in his youth to modify how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as a way out from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that are harmful," he notes. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a family member, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the activities that made you feel like yourself before the baby arrived. Examples include playing sport, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - eating well, physical activity and where possible, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead give the safety and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their pain, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I think my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are through this experience."